I'm terrified of bathing my newborn. What do I need to watch out for while bathing my baby?

Always keep the following tips in mind while bathing your newborn:

• Never leave your baby unsupervised, even for a minute. If the doorbell or phone rings and you feel you must answer it, scoop him up in a towel and take him with you. A child can drown in less than an inch of water -- and in less than 60 seconds.

• Avoid using a standard bath, which requires you to kneel or lean awkwardly over your baby and gives you less control over his movements. Instead use a small plastic baby bath or a bath bed. A bath bed has a hammock like net fitted over the bath tub. Many mums find this convenient as they can soap and bathe their babies using both hands and not worry about getting a firm grip with one hand and pouring water with the other.

If you are using a plastic baby bath, you may place a soft towel inside the tub for added safety.

• Choose a time when you baby is awake. Schedule a bath for mid morning before a feed. Never bathe a baby after a meal as he may be uncomfortable and may throw up. You could also choose a late evening bath but remember to keep your baby warm and tuck him to bed as soon as you can to avoid exposure to cold.

• Make sure the room is comfortable and warm especially in winter. In summer, ensure that you turn off the fan/cooler/AC and shut the door and windows to prevent any wind drafts.

• Give your baby a gentle massage. Avoid using any massage oils especially in the first few weeks, as they may irritate your baby's delicate skin.

• Avoid massaging with raw milk or besan. Many moms believe that massaging a baby with raw milk or besan (gram flour) and haldi (turmeric paste) will ensure a fair complexion. This is a misconception -- raw milk can carry a host of bacteria and cause infections such as diarrhoea, E. coli and salmonella. The gram flour paste is abrasive in nature and may cause skin allergies, rashes or even bruises.

• Avoid using liquid antiseptic in bath water. In some Indian homes, it is a common practice to use a teaspoon of liquid antiseptic/ disinfectant in the bath water. This practice is best avoided as it may lead to allergic reactions and newborn babies rarely get so dirty. Instead use a soap or cleanser designed especially for babies which will protect their skin.

• Wash your baby's face and hair right at the end. Many babies get visibly upset when their face and hair are cleaned. If you clean his face and hair right at the end it will be easier to dry, dress and feed him immediately without having to worry about cleaning the rest of the body and it will also reduce the time he has to spend with wet hair.

• Pay attention to the neck area as sweat and excess milk tend to collect here. Clean between the fingers and toes where dirt tends to settle. Talcum powder and sweat may collect between the folds of the skin on thighs, inner elbow, neck and knees, so clean these areas carefully as well.

• Limit use of talcum powder. If you decide to use talcum powder choose a brand made specially for babies and use a powder puff or a piece of cloth to apply powder taking care to avoid his nasal area, mouth, eyes and genitals. Never dab powder directly from the container onto your baby.

• Avoid creams and lotions on rashes. Some baby's may have sensitive skin and have rashes, infantile eczema or baby acne. White heads and baby acne are caused by the maternal hormones that have been passed to your baby through the placenta before birth. Spots may subside gradually in a week or so. They may also recur and persist till the baby is about a few months old. Avoid using creams and lotions on the irritated skin. In some cases, rashes also appear due to over-wrapping the baby in the hot and humid weather.

• Avoid using kajal. Elders in the family may insist you put kajal, surma or a black tika after a bath to avoid the evil eye. It is safer to avoid using kajal and surma as they may have chemicals or ingredients that are harmful to the baby’s sensitive skin. However, if you do plan to put a tika, you may put it on the sole of his feet.

• Talk to your doctor before giving gripewater . Another common practice in Indian homes is to give a teaspoonful of gripewater or janam ghutti just after bath to ensure the baby’s well being. It is best to discuss with your doctor if you may give such preparations to a newborn baby.

• Avoid squeezing the newborn's breasts. Exposure to maternal hormones during pregnancy causes a slight enlargement of breasts in some baby boys and baby girls as well. This white milky discharge is known as "witch's milk". Avoid squeezing the breast tissue as this could lead to infection. The breast enlargement will automatically disappear over a couple of months.

Are you terrified about finding a good state secondary school?

Dr Anthony Seldon, Master of Wellington College, political commentator, biographer of Tony Blair

I think I'd be terrified of some of them where it would seem that teachers are not in control and where there's poor discipline and poor learning. But we had our daughter in a state school when she was younger and we were very happy with it. My experience is that the very best state schools are better than many independent schools. They are always going to be limited by the resources, which are so much more plentiful in the independent sector.

But in terms of the quality of the teaching and the quality of the learning, I think some state schools can be more enterprising, challenging and stimulating than some tired independent schools.

Susan, a parent who is moving her child from private to state school due to a change in financial circumstances
I'm worried about 30 kids in a class. At the school where my daughter is now there are 15. I went round a state primary school this week – it did seem a bit noisy and the facilities can't compare. They had a few computers, but nothing like the well-equipped ICT room and music room at the private school. Even things you should take for granted, like chairs, were paid for by a fundraising event. On the other hand, it seemed caring and nurturing. If I was a mother starting out, I'd be very reassured by that.

I'm much more worried about secondary education. That she's going to come across people from abused backgrounds, drug addicts, gang culture, things she's never had to deal with before. You hear all sorts of things about the classes being unruly and the teacher unable to keep control.

Dr Caroline Fertleman, paediatrician; three children in private primary and secondary schools
We've considered state schools at each stage of our children's education. One primary head we met was amazing and inspiring, but in the end we decided against his school. We are lucky that we can afford to choose where we put our children. I went to private school and loved it, whereas my husband had an awful time at a state school. When he went back for a reunion, he found most of his ex-classmates had been in prison. But then maybe the drive that has made him a successful lawyer came as a reaction to his schooling. I also see a lot of bad elements from my work, and how unbelievably rough some state schools are, with things such as overdose and deliberate self-harm. Of course it's not representative, but life is based on anecdote as well as evidence.

Liz Robinson, headteacher, Sussex Square primary, Southwark
I was terribly sad when I heard he'd said that. He is in a position of responsibility for state education, and he's made such a damaging comment. State education is NOT terrifying, I couldn't say that more emphatically. What I object to most is the suggestion of fear about personal safety.
It's very insulting to the many schools across London that are in huge areas of social challenge and yet succeed in being the most warm and engaging places you could hope to find.

Sussex Square is on the Aylesbury Estate, an area of high deprivation. But when people come to my school they are overwhelmed, not because some children lead difficult lives, but by the fact that they are learning and achieving to an exceptional standard. In my experience, you will find examples of such exemplary practice across London.

Professor Marcus du Sautoy, mathematician, writer, television and radio presenter; three children in state primary and secondary schools
I think if you go into state schools in London, as I've done with maths presentations, you see some fantastic things going on, with innovative teaching finding ways of delivering interesting things to kids.
I attended a state secondary and got a fantastic education out of it. Sending my son to a comprehensive was a no-brainer.

I visited the school to have a look round and did some maths workshops. What I saw was a healthy, all-round education. The teachers seemed to be enjoying their work, and I had no second thoughts about sending my son there. It felt very much like the school I went to as a kid, with a range of abilities, a social mix and delivering a good education.

If you don't know about state schools it could be hard to judge. Maybe David Cameron should spend a bit more time going to see the schools for himself.

Why Am I So Terrified?

If I’m with such a great guy (or girl), why am I so terrified? It’s an understandable question to ask on the threshold of marriage as the terror (and yes, it’s terror, not just fear or anxiety) flies in the face of what you think you’re supposed to feel. The next question is: If I was with the right person, I wouldn’t be feeling this way. Again, an understandable conclusion since nothing in this culture prepares people for the normal fear and common terror that arise during an engagement.

So why would someone feel terrified to marry someone with whom they have a great relationship? Why would a loving, solid partnership trigger such deep-seated feelings of anxiety rendering my clients unable to eat, sleep, or function? The first reason is that it’s because the relationship is so safe that the anxiety is triggered. Let me explain with an example from someone who didn’t attribute the anxiety to her partnership.
One of my dearest friends met her life partner in her late twenties. After a whirlwind love affair they got married, and a few months into her marriage she developed severe anxiety symptoms for the first time in her life. Her ears started itching and she heard a ringing that wouldn’t go away. Then she felt like there was copper in her mouth and her anxious mind went into overdrive: I’m dying. I have cancer. I’m going crazy. (All common thoughts that accompany an anxiety disorder.)

We had fallen out of close touch, but she knew that I had struggled with serious anxiety during my twenties so she called me for support. We talked every day, and within a few weeks she was able to identify that the safety and stability of her marriage is what allowed the anxiety to surface. In other words, the anxiety (fear, terror) had been living inside of her since she was child but she had always kept it at bay. She was a typical “good girl”: good grades, a good job, never stayed outside the expected lines. Her psyche lived inside a steel-clad box of expectations and busyness.

A bit about her childhood: She had been raised by two young, drug-addicted parents who had no idea how to show up as parents. They were both narcissistic and emotionally unreliable, and my friend had learned at a young age how to take care of herself as best she could. In short, her parents didn’t attend to her in the way she needed to be parented; her father failed miserably as a dad and her mother was too narcissistic to give her real nurturing and mothering.

But now her psyche was exploding open. Within the security of her husband’s support, she finally felt safe enough to fall apart. For the first time in her life, she had someone who could keep watch as she delved into darkness. She knew that no matter how crazy she felt, her husband loved her and he wasn’t going anywhere. And that’s when the thirty years of terror came rushing to the surface.

After months of suffering with the anxiety and countless discussions with me and her therapist, she started to learn how to re-parent herself and to develop a relationship with a Higher Source. It was slow and hard work, but over time the physical anxiety symptoms diminished and she could feel some solid ground beneath her feet. She recognized that she would have to give up the notion that her mother would ever show up for her in the way she needed and that the only true healing was to learn how to mother herself and receive nurturing from other sources. But she credits the development of her spiritual relationship as the key to managing her anxiety. As another client recently said to me, “Relying on a Higher Source is very comforting for the anxious mind.”

I hope that by sharing this story it will shed light on your own terror. But if you’ve found your way here, it’s likely that, unlike my friend, you’ve attached the terror onto your choice of marriage partner. And for most of my clients, the projection onto the partner becomes so strong that they want to run, leaving them with the painful choice of either postponing the wedding or breaking up entirely. This is the wounded self at play, the part of you that’s terrified of real love.

So, again, the question is: Why is real love so scary? If you know rationally that you’re with a great partner (i.e. no obvious red flags like addiction, betrayal, control issues) and you’re ready to commit (when fear isn’t in the way), why would you feel so scared? The wounded self is the part of you that developed to protect you from the pain of your early experiences. Perhaps you were raised by narcissistic parents that didn’t know how to set their own needs aside in order to attend to yours. Perhaps your mother was emotionally engulfing and your father was emotionally absent. So the wounded self was born and developed a belief system that said, “There must be something wrong with me because I’m not receiving the love I need. If I was more perfect in some way, I would get love.” In essence, you looked around you and realized that love isn’t safe. It’s either too much or too little, both of which you ascribed to some fault within yourself.

Now, during the wedding transition, when real love stands before you in the form of a solid, reliable mate, the old beliefs come flaring to the surface. You’re terrified of getting hurt again. You’re terrified of risking being vulnerable, exposing your true self, and then being rejected. It’s too risky. It’s not safe. You’re knee-deep in a projection that says, “I must be terrified because I’m with the wrong person,” when in truth you’re terrified because the old fears have been unleashed. Let me say this as clearly as possible: The terror has nothing to do with your partner. The terror lives inside of you and has always lived inside of you. And the degree of the terror is directly correlated to the degree to which you love your partner (even though you’re so scared right now that you can’t feel the love at all). 

Similarly, many people carry a rescue fantasy that says, “When I meet the right person I will be so happy and alive that I’ll be lifted out of my anxiety and misery.” I’ve written extensively about this misguided belief – and devoted Lesson 7 of the E-Course to it – because it’s so fundamental to many people’s belief system and is a primary reason why they leave a perfectly good relationship. Said another way, the belief is: “Someone else would make me happier.” I’ll say this clearly and bluntly: holding on to this belief prevents you from taking full responsibility for your pain and joy. Again, it ascribes the terror onto your partner instead of recognizing that this terror is old, it’s yours, it has nothing to do with your partner and you’d be feeling it no matter who you married.

If you’re going to work through the terror, there needs to be a recognition that it has nothing to do with your partner. It’s not his fault, it’s not here because you’re with the “wrong” person, and it won’t go away if you walk away from the relationship. Ask yourself honestly: How long have you struggled with anxiety? If you’re like most of my clients, you’ve struggled with it for years, often since childhood.

Anxiety is a gift. It’s an opportunity to address deep-seated belief systems that are no longer serving you and an invitation to learn how to connect with a source of higher guidance. The fear says, “Run! Love isn’t safe. He’ll leave you. She’ll smother you.” Something wise in you is saying, “Deal with me now! You’re finally with someone safe and loving who’s not going to run away from your anxiety. Within this safe space, you can fall apart and learn how to put yourself back together again in a healthy way.”  That something might just be called love. Which voice will you listen to?

 

“WHY ARE YOU TERRIFIED?”

AIM: To deepen the hearers’ faith.

Some years ago a British actor achieved great success with a one-man show entitled, The Gospel according to Mark. Standing on a bare stage, without costumes or props, and using only the simplest gestures and his voice for dramatic effect, the actor recited by memory the whole of Mark’s gospel. Audiences on both sides of the Atlantic remained fascinated for over two hours.

An important ingredient in this success was the actor’s skill. At least as important, however, was the text itself. Mark’s gospel, the shortest and seemingly the simplest of the four, is a work of great artistry. From the many different stories, sayings, and incidents in the life of Jesus preserved orally in the Christian community to which Mark belonged, he compiled a unified narrative of great dramatic power. Reading the gospel in bits and pieces, as we do in church, we mostly fail to appreciate Mark’s achievement. Today’s gospel reading is a good example.

It begins: “On that day, as evening drew on …” The day, in Mark’s description, had begun with Jesus teaching people by the lake shore. To avoid being overwhelmed by the crowd, and so that the people could all see and hear him, Jesus got into a boat and put out a short distance from shore. Standing or seated in the boat, he told several parables, including the familiar story of the sower and the seed. Mark concludes this section by indicating, in the passage immediately preceding today’s gospel reading, that what he has just recorded was typical of Jesus’ teaching.  “By means of many such parables he taught them the message in a way they could understand. To them he spoke only by way of parable, while he kept explaining things privately to his disciples” (4:33f). What follows in our gospel reading was intended by Mark as a continuation of Jesus’ private explanation to his disciples: in deeds this time rather than in words.

These explanatory deeds begin, as we have just heard, with Jesus sound asleep in the boat, in the middle of a storm – the only place in the four gospels, incidentally, where we see Jesus sleeping. It was the sleep of exhaustion after a busy day. But it was also the tranquil rest of the only man in that boat who had no reason for fear amid the elemental forces of nature.

Though the disciples were experienced seamen, Mark says nothing about any measure to ensure the safety of the vessel and her crew. Instead these seasoned fishermen turn in panic to their sleeping master, who unlike them was no sailor, with the reproachful question: “Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?”
Without a word of reply, Jesus acts. In language identical to that already used in chapter one of his gospel to describe a healing at Capernaum (1:25), Mark writes: “He rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, >Quiet!  Be still!’“ Jesus has already shown that he has power over illness. Now he shows that he rules wind and wave as well.

Repeatedly the scriptures of Jesus’ people ascribe this power to God alone.  Today’s readings contain two examples. In the first reading God challenges Job with a question about God’s work in creation: “Who shut within doors the sea … and said: Thus far shall you come and no farther, and here shall your proud waves be stilled!” The responsorial psalm is similar. Recounting a scene of mariners in distress, the psalmist offers what could be a commentary on today’s gospel: “They cried to the Lord in their distress; from their straits he rescued them, he hushed the storm to a gentle breeze, and the billows of the sea were stilled.”

Mark says the same in the gospel: Jesus “woke up, rebuked the wind … The wind ceased and there was great calm.”  It was more than the stillness of nature.  There was an eerie calm in the boat as well, as Jesus’ disciples looked at each other in amazement, each formulating the same question: “Who then is this whom even wind and sea obey?” Remember: their scriptures told them that only God could do what they had just seen Jesus do.

The first to break the silence is Jesus.  In this story which consists almost entirely of questions, it is now his turn. “Why are you terrified?” Jesus asks. “Do you not yet have faith?” Mark wants us, his readers, to hear Jesus putting these questions not only to his friends in that boat, but to all his friends, ourselves included.
From the earliest times Christians have compared the Church to a ship. Like the ark, which rescued Noah and his family from the great flood, the Church preserves us from the flood of danger and evil in the world. Time and again, however, our ship is buffeted by storms. The weekend after next I am going to talk to you about the storm that is threatening the Church in our country now: a rising tide of statements and actions by government leaders and bureaucrats limiting the religious freedom guaranteed in our Constitution. In response the American bishops have proclaimed a Fortnight for Freedom. It starts today, two days after the Church’s commemoration of two martyrs for religious freedom: the English saints Thomas More, a married man and father, and the bishop and cardinal John Fisher, the only cardinal in history to suffer martyrdom. They gave their lives in 1535, on June 22^nd and July 6^th respectively, in protest against the claim of the English King Henry VIII that he and not the Pope was entitled to govern the Church in England. The fortnight for Freedom will conclude, appropriately, on the Fourth of July, when we celebrate our noble Declaration of Independence.

Whenever storms assault the Church, it is easy to think that the Lord is absent – or at least indifferent. Like those first friends of Jesus in the storm on the lake, we cry out in fear. At the proper time – which is God’s time, not ours – the Lord banishes the danger, and with it our cause for fear. Having done so, he challenges us with the insistent question: “Why are you terrified? Do you not yet have faith?”

The answering question of Jesus’ disciples, “Who then is this whom even wind and sea obey?” is a pre-Easter question. Jesus friends in that boat had not yet seen the risen Lord. We, who here encounter the risen Lord in his holy word, and in the sacrament of his body and blood, have an advantage over the men in that boat.  We know him better than they did. This man, Jesus of Nazareth, the son of Mary, is our elder brother, and our best friend. Yet he is also God’s Son. If Jesus could demand faith of those friends of his in the boat, who knew him only as one like themselves, how much more can he demand this same faith – trust – of us who also know him as one unlike ourselves.

“Do you not yet have faith?” Jesus asks us. What better response could we give than the cry of another friend of Jesus in this gospel according to Mark: “Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.”  (Mark 9:4)

 

Many of us have had that recurring nightmare where we’re standing in front of an audience about to give a speech when we realise we’re naked. It is one that wakes us up in a sweat and one that we hope we will not encounter as we go to sleep. It seems then that we all harbour a certain fear of being naked, and by definition it leaves us exposed and on display.

However this fear is much worse for some than for others. While only the largest exhibitionist would feel confident to run around in public completely nude, we should all feel able to be naked with our partners and to let them see us in our entirety in private. Unfortunately the case and for some people, being naked is literally terrifying. If that describes you, then there is a large chance that it is getting in the way of your intimate relationships and could even be putting a strain on your sex life. Some people can not even get changed in public changing rooms and feel they have to hide away from even their own children – which runs the risk of passing the irrational fear on to them.

We were all born naked and once that was the way we lived back in the wild. However in modern society we are taught to cover up, and this conditions us to learn that naked = bad. Thus it can feel very unnatural for others to see us un-garbed. At the same time images in the media of scantily clad men and women with firm abs and air brushed fat lead us to feel dissatisfied with our own bodies which often pale in comparison simply due to the fact that they are real. This is of course exacerbated for those of us who have certain experiences that have made us more insecure about the shapes of our body – perhaps someone has laughed at us while we were naked, or made a harsh comment – and for those who are particularly put off by the site of themselves naked, those who are overweight, or perhaps those who have some kind of irregularity about their body (such as an overt scar or birth mark).

If this is the case then it might have reached almost phobic-like severity which makes it important that you address the issue. To go about this you need to change the way you are thinking in order to regain perspective on the situation. You might for example find that when getting changed in public changing rooms you feel as though everyone is looking at you and judging you. This is an irrational thought as most people in the changing room will simply be focussing on getting themselves changed – probably also feeling insecure. Furthermore, even if they were judging you, why would it matter? You would never see them again.

Likewise for bedroom scenarios you might be thinking that your partner will be instantly repulsed and leave you upon seeing you naked. Again though this is an irrational fear – already they must have a fairly strong idea of what you look like underneath from your clothes and your arms etc. Similarly, if they have been with you for a fairly long amount of time then they certainly are not going to leave you because you are a bit fatter than you thought. Chances are they are more likely to get unhappy about not being able to see their partner naked which will inevitably diminish the romance and sexual chemistry in the relationship.
What you need to do then is to think about the contents of your own thoughts and how they might be irrational. You then need to replace these damaging and negative false beliefs with the new ones. Rather than repeating ‘they are all looking at me’ to yourself in the shower room then, start repeating ‘I do not care what they think’ or ‘they are too busy washing themselves to care what I look like’.

If you struggle to do this yourself then you can get help from therapy. This form of therapy, where you consciously try to change the contents of your thoughts and to eradicate negative thoughts and beliefs is called ‘CBT’ or ‘Cognitive Behavioural Therapy’. Here you will be taught to be ‘mindful’ and to observe the contents of your own mind, while at the same time learning how you can replace your thoughts with newer healthier ones.